Coming Out support
Telling people about your sexuality is called coming out.
You don't have to tell anyone you're lesbian, gay or bisexual if you don't want to. It's up to you who you tell, but you might feel happier if you can be honest about who you really are.
A good idea is to start by telling someone you really trust, and who you know will be supportive. It might also be helpful to get an idea about people's attitudes towards sexuality before you talk to them.
Lots of people that you tell will be really positive and will be proud of you for telling them, they might even be flattered that you trust them enough to tell them. Sadly, not everyone will be so positive and supportive. You should be prepared for some negative reactions and understand that this may be a difficult thing for some people to understand or come to terms with.
Once you have come out to one person the process does not end there, throughout your life you will find yourself in situations and around people where you feel the need or desire to disclose your sexual orientation.
Ultimately there is no right or wrong way to come out, do it the way you want to and the way you feel comfortable.
The most important thing to remember is that you are not alone, there are lesbian, gay and bisexual support organisations across the world who are there to offer a helping hand, a friendly ear, and who have vast experience of helping people just like you.
The prospect of coming out is a scary one for many, and there are lots of concerns around being rejected and left in isolation. In all situations there will be positive and negative effects of coming out, and when looking at the best way to do it, it’s almost impossible for anyone to give a perfect guide to the event. But, here are a few ideas on the do’s & don’ts of Coming Out:
Do
1) Contact The Lesbian & Gay Foundation Helpline for support and guidance 0845 3 30 30 30 6-10pm every night of the week. A quarter of all of our calls are about issues related to Coming Out. Our Helpliners are all individuals who are used to dealing with many issues and if they can’t help you straight away they’ll know someone who can.
2) Use a trusted friendship to ask for support. Test the water by talking about subjects relating to sexuality before your ready to pour your heart out. Sometimes people don’t always react the way you think they will.
3) Ask a teacher / LGBT worker for support and advocacy, there are many people out there who can help; they're not just their to find you accommodation or tell you about the drama club.
4) Be yourself - be honest and respectful to your feelings and the feelings of your family and friends. When you're finding out about fabulous new friends and surrounding yourself with all kinds of gay influences to make up for lost time - don't forget about those who have always been there for you.
5) Ask yourself why is now the best time to come out? If you’ve got other stresses going on in your life; exams, flatmates, work, school, friends, family etc, now may not be the best time. What do you hope people’s reaction will be? If people aren’t as supportive as you’d like, do you really need the added pressure of their baggage while your getting to grips with what you want to say?
Don't
1) Own the reactions and feelings of others. You need to be sure of what’s right for you and that can change. It’s easy to be influenced when you’re feeling unsure or insecure about something, but you know deep down what’s right for you, regardless of what someone else says.
2) Stand in the closet until someone opens the door. There’s always an opportunity where someone will lead the way into a conversation. It’s up to you if you want to jump in or out. Many people have outed themselves unwittingly or without planning to just because they get sick and tired of keeping it to themselves or listening to homophobia.
3) Do not be frightened about coming out there’s lots of support available. If you can’t find any support where you are ring the LGF helpline 0845 3 30 30 30 6pm-10pm daily.
4) If you are having a tough time with Coming Out or if you are already out but need someone to talk to, you can call the helpline or come to the LGF's Face 2 Face counselling sessions.
For more information on the helpline, click here.
For more information on Face 2 Face counselling, click here.
If you have any questions about Coming Out, drop us a line in the comments box below and we'll get back in touch with help and advice.
Verr
22:28 Mon 28th November 2011
When I came out to everyone in school it was a spur of the moment thing, I got so mad how some were saying how its not normal being gay/lesbian/bi in a catch up thing after school that I just blurted it out to shut them up. Everyone knew the next day, but it didn\'t bother me in the slightest I\'d already told my closest friends and as long as they accepeted me it didn\'t matter. The only thing I\'m worried about now is how do I tell my parents? My dad woul be fine its just my mum, and there\'s so much stress in the family at the moment as well :/
Verr
22:28 Mon 28th November 2011
When I came out to everyone in school it was a spur of the moment thing, I got so mad how some were saying how its not normal being gay/lesbian/bi in a catch up thing after school that I just blurted it out to shut them up. Everyone knew the next day, but it didn\'t bother me in the slightest I\'d already told my closest friends and as long as they accepeted me it didn\'t matter. The only thing I\'m worried about now is how do I tell my parents? My dad woul be fine its just my mum, and there\'s so much stress in the family at the moment as well :/
Oliver
20:18 Thu 10th November 2011
recently ive been thinking but have decided im bi-sexual but im really worried about coming out to my friends and parents. im worried my friends will joke about it and tease me, and my friends mum found out he was bi and now she has kinda disowned him :S and im worried of my parents reactions.
Oliver
20:18 Thu 10th November 2011
recently ive been thinking but have decided im bi-sexual but im really worried about coming out to my friends and parents. im worried my friends will joke about it and tease me, and my friends mum found out he was bi and now she has kinda disowned him :S and im worried of my parents reactions.
Rebecca
20:35 Fri 21st October 2011
Recently I have been having troubles with my sexuality, I have a boyfriend who I adore but feel that he just isn\'t doing it for me anymore. I have recently found myself becoming increasingly attracted to a girl I have only recently met, we\'ll call her Sally. Sally just makes me feel like nobody else has ever made me feel before. I want to try new things with her, explore new places. The thought of scissoring another girl makes me feel so good but at the same time makes me feel so ashamed. We have so much in commom but I just don\'t want to hurt anyone. What do I do?
Rebecca
20:35 Fri 21st October 2011
Recently I have been having troubles with my sexuality, I have a boyfriend who I adore but feel that he just isn\'t doing it for me anymore. I have recently found myself becoming increasingly attracted to a girl I have only recently met, we\'ll call her Sally. Sally just makes me feel like nobody else has ever made me feel before. I want to try new things with her, explore new places. The thought of scissoring another girl makes me feel so good but at the same time makes me feel so ashamed. We have so much in commom but I just don\'t want to hurt anyone. What do I do?
Hannah
13:10 Fri 23rd September 2011
I\'ve always try to make people around believe I\'m straight when really I\'m attracted to women more than men and I dunno what to do. I told my mum, someone I thought I could trust that I might be a lesbian and she\'s been calling me a dyke ever since saying that I\'m not gay I\'ve just not found the right guy yet. But it\'s not that. I find women more attractive then men and I have no idea what to do. How do I get my mum and the people who matter to me to accept me for who I am?
Hannah
13:10 Fri 23rd September 2011
I\'ve always try to make people around believe I\'m straight when really I\'m attracted to women more than men and I dunno what to do. I told my mum, someone I thought I could trust that I might be a lesbian and she\'s been calling me a dyke ever since saying that I\'m not gay I\'ve just not found the right guy yet. But it\'s not that. I find women more attractive then men and I have no idea what to do. How do I get my mum and the people who matter to me to accept me for who I am?
Beth
00:34 Sun 4th September 2011
I\'ve almost always considered myself bisexual with a preference to girls. But after breaking up with my boyfriend on 7 months (who was very feminine), I havn\'t been at all sexually attracted to a guy. I\'m so confused about all of this. And to top all of this off, my dad is quite homophobic so i\'m scared about how he would react if i told him im Bi/Lesbian.
Beth
00:34 Sun 4th September 2011
I\'ve almost always considered myself bisexual with a preference to girls. But after breaking up with my boyfriend on 7 months (who was very feminine), I havn\'t been at all sexually attracted to a guy. I\'m so confused about all of this. And to top all of this off, my dad is quite homophobic so i\'m scared about how he would react if i told him im Bi/Lesbian.
Darren
I am 22 and i have achild and in a realtionship with a girl but for many years i hav been wrestling with my inner feelings towards men i feel ashamed and scared and if i open up to my feelings will i be letting my family and son down.
Sarah
I have recently just got with my boyfriend and found out i had more feelings for his mum and we ended up sleeping together and now we are seeing each other behind his back how do i tell him its over and that me and his mum are going to a couple
steve
im 54 married recently met a guy, became friends, i was shocked when he tried to kiss me one night,anyway time went by , we are now having a relationship i feel so much guilt but dont want to finish it, dont know where to turn now , any advice .
kay
Hi, I came out last year to my best friend, and decided i was going to tell my mom only she ignored it and blanks it, and always asks me if i have a boyfried yet. This is awful. I really appreciate the people who support me, i.e. my best friend and my friend from church. At least i can talk to someone about it.
Caitlin
I have came out to two of my best friends and they have been really supportive and happy for me (luckily!). The only problem is that I fancy one of those best friends! She is currently in a relationship with a guy but I really want to go out with her! How can I tell her, or should i tell her at all? Please help!!!!
Jackie
I am 47 and have known I am gay/bisexual for over 37 years. I fell in love with my best friend some 15 years ago and she now knows. I have told my husband and my close family. I have to tell my 21 year old daughter but have no idea how to even start to tell her - I need some advice on this please and don't know who talk too. Any help would be really useful
Wellbeing Co-ordinator
Coming out isn't something we do just the once, and depending on who you're telling, you might decide to come out in different ways. It seems that you have made a start by telling your best friend and your husband, and I can understand why you are finding it hard to start to tell your daughter. It is difficult to give you specific advice as everyone's situation is unique, and nobody knows your relationship with your daughter better than you! However, we can offer some general guidance that you may find helps you to start to talk to your daughter... -Prepare for a good reaction and a bad one, this way you won't be caught off guard and can think about how you might respond - Do it when you have plenty of time to talk and have a private space to talk openly, for example when the two of you are at home together and won't be interrupted - Understand that she may need some time to adjust and might have some questions that she wants to ask - Reassure her that just because you're gay, it doesn't make you a completely different person- you're still her Mum after all! - Remember that there's no right or wrong way to come out, as long as you feel ready and it's in your own time - Finally, use the support that's out there, for both yourself and your daughter. We have a range of support services that you can access, all of which are detailed on our website. Hope this helps you to start making sense of things... LGFs Wellbeing Co-ordinator
helena
I've recently realised I'm attracted to girls as well as boys, but I can't really come out to anyone as I live in a Muslim country where this is against the law.
alex
i am 13 and known i am Bisexual for 8 months know and i have told my close friends. One of my friends is rather homophobic, i am afraid that if he finds out everyday he might hurl insults at me.what do i do? Also my friend is also bisexual but hasnt told anyone apart from me, how do i help him?
Cee
Im a 15 year old lesbian, I realised a long time ago that I was always more attracted to girls and boys but ignored it. I'm kinda coming put to people- like my close friends. I have no problems coming out to other people just not my family. I saw lots of comments on mothers reactions, and well that's what I'm frightened of- my mum isn't exactly the homophobic type, but she doesn't necessarily agree with the 'concept'. I don't want to 'disappoint' her- but I don't wanna live a life where I'm not being me'. So I decided that the best time for me' to come out to her is when I'm 18 and by that time I'll be In uni. But for now, everything is good, my friends are totally supportive!!!
Andrew
Hello. I'm gay and I came out to my mum about a year ago now in an argument. She seems to have just blanked the fact, and i know she's not exactly comfortable with it. I am 21 and I have not had any proper relationships because i'm scared of the looks, those looks when you can read their thoughts. knowing your mum is dissappointed with someththing you have done is one thing. Knowing she's disappointed with who you are is a whole nother ball game.
zoe
i came out 4 months ago im 23 and my mum didnt talk to me for over a week and my nan has only just started to talk.. things that hurt the most is my friends sayin things like >>Â If your gonna be a 'lesbian' y go with a girl that looks like a BOY!!?? Strangeeee... Coz like EVERYONE else I think your just saying it for attention! this hurt and i was sent it yesterday so here is me needing advice..
michael
i put on fb the other day that i am gay and i dont care what anyone says anymore but really i am people have already been calling me gay boy, but my mates knew well before everyone else, but however i just want to tell my mum i told her before but she didnt listen and just said that she dont think i am and she dosnt really accept gay people so i dont dare tell her but i really want to soo bad :'(
Tara
I think i may be bisexual, but i am not sure! Only my best friend knows and i am so scared of telling my parents because they don't like gay or bisexual people. I am not sure how they will take it. Will they laugh and not take me seriously or will they hate me forever? I am going to try and figure it out but i don't know how! I am so confused and just need some help! Any idea's?
Stefani
I am nearly 13 and I am attracted to girls as well as boys. I have told two close friends and i want to tell my mum but I don't know how, also I am worried that I am too young but I have known for a while. I have lots more to say but its quite private: so if you could email me it would be better thank you. Also I fancy my friend i told, i told I like her but she doesn't know if she likes me too. i am preparing myself to get the bad news but I don't think I can move on please reply i would be so grateful
Darren
I am 22 and i have achild and in a realtionship with a girl but for many years i hav been wrestling with my inner feelings towards men i feel ashamed and scared and if i open up to my feelings will i be letting my family and son down.
Sarah
I have recently just got with my boyfriend and found out i had more feelings for his mum and we ended up sleeping together and now we are seeing each other behind his back how do i tell him its over and that me and his mum are going to a couple
steve
im 54 married recently met a guy, became friends, i was shocked when he tried to kiss me one night,anyway time went by , we are now having a relationship i feel so much guilt but dont want to finish it, dont know where to turn now , any advice .
kay
Hi, I came out last year to my best friend, and decided i was going to tell my mom only she ignored it and blanks it, and always asks me if i have a boyfried yet. This is awful. I really appreciate the people who support me, i.e. my best friend and my friend from church. At least i can talk to someone about it.
Caitlin
I have came out to two of my best friends and they have been really supportive and happy for me (luckily!). The only problem is that I fancy one of those best friends! She is currently in a relationship with a guy but I really want to go out with her! How can I tell her, or should i tell her at all? Please help!!!!
Jackie
I am 47 and have known I am gay/bisexual for over 37 years. I fell in love with my best friend some 15 years ago and she now knows. I have told my husband and my close family. I have to tell my 21 year old daughter but have no idea how to even start to tell her - I need some advice on this please and don't know who talk too. Any help would be really useful
Wellbeing Co-ordinator
Coming out isn't something we do just the once, and depending on who you're telling, you might decide to come out in different ways. It seems that you have made a start by telling your best friend and your husband, and I can understand why you are finding it hard to start to tell your daughter. It is difficult to give you specific advice as everyone's situation is unique, and nobody knows your relationship with your daughter better than you! However, we can offer some general guidance that you may find helps you to start to talk to your daughter... -Prepare for a good reaction and a bad one, this way you won't be caught off guard and can think about how you might respond - Do it when you have plenty of time to talk and have a private space to talk openly, for example when the two of you are at home together and won't be interrupted - Understand that she may need some time to adjust and might have some questions that she wants to ask - Reassure her that just because you're gay, it doesn't make you a completely different person- you're still her Mum after all! - Remember that there's no right or wrong way to come out, as long as you feel ready and it's in your own time - Finally, use the support that's out there, for both yourself and your daughter. We have a range of support services that you can access, all of which are detailed on our website. Hope this helps you to start making sense of things... LGFs Wellbeing Co-ordinator
helena
I've recently realised I'm attracted to girls as well as boys, but I can't really come out to anyone as I live in a Muslim country where this is against the law.
alex
i am 13 and known i am Bisexual for 8 months know and i have told my close friends. One of my friends is rather homophobic, i am afraid that if he finds out everyday he might hurl insults at me.what do i do? Also my friend is also bisexual but hasnt told anyone apart from me, how do i help him?
Cee
Im a 15 year old lesbian, I realised a long time ago that I was always more attracted to girls and boys but ignored it. I'm kinda coming put to people- like my close friends. I have no problems coming out to other people just not my family. I saw lots of comments on mothers reactions, and well that's what I'm frightened of- my mum isn't exactly the homophobic type, but she doesn't necessarily agree with the 'concept'. I don't want to 'disappoint' her- but I don't wanna live a life where I'm not being me'. So I decided that the best time for me' to come out to her is when I'm 18 and by that time I'll be In uni. But for now, everything is good, my friends are totally supportive!!!
Andrew
Hello. I'm gay and I came out to my mum about a year ago now in an argument. She seems to have just blanked the fact, and i know she's not exactly comfortable with it. I am 21 and I have not had any proper relationships because i'm scared of the looks, those looks when you can read their thoughts. knowing your mum is dissappointed with someththing you have done is one thing. Knowing she's disappointed with who you are is a whole nother ball game.
zoe
i came out 4 months ago im 23 and my mum didnt talk to me for over a week and my nan has only just started to talk.. things that hurt the most is my friends sayin things like >>Â If your gonna be a 'lesbian' y go with a girl that looks like a BOY!!?? Strangeeee... Coz like EVERYONE else I think your just saying it for attention! this hurt and i was sent it yesterday so here is me needing advice..
michael
i put on fb the other day that i am gay and i dont care what anyone says anymore but really i am people have already been calling me gay boy, but my mates knew well before everyone else, but however i just want to tell my mum i told her before but she didnt listen and just said that she dont think i am and she dosnt really accept gay people so i dont dare tell her but i really want to soo bad :'(
Tara
I think i may be bisexual, but i am not sure! Only my best friend knows and i am so scared of telling my parents because they don't like gay or bisexual people. I am not sure how they will take it. Will they laugh and not take me seriously or will they hate me forever? I am going to try and figure it out but i don't know how! I am so confused and just need some help! Any idea's?
Stefani
I am nearly 13 and I am attracted to girls as well as boys. I have told two close friends and i want to tell my mum but I don't know how, also I am worried that I am too young but I have known for a while. I have lots more to say but its quite private: so if you could email me it would be better thank you. Also I fancy my friend i told, i told I like her but she doesn't know if she likes me too. i am preparing myself to get the bad news but I don't think I can move on please reply i would be so grateful