Fairy Tales: Suffering, Surviving and Surpassing.

What's the fuss?

Does looking in the mirror scare you these days? Thinking about retiring from 'the scene'? Does anyone want a 'fairy' when he's 40 plus? Or even 35? We might try to avoid or 'get over' the question of ageing but it usually comes back to trouble us. TV makeover shows tell us that botox and face-lifts are no longer just for the rich and famous. But, there are also huge pressures from within the gay world to look younger and these are felt more keenly when we set foot in the Village.

There has been some research on gay men after 'retirement' and in old age. But less has been said about the 'in-betweenies' - those due for 'midlife crisis' because of 'loss' of youth but who have not reached retirement or old age? Why do we talk of 'loss' of youth (or looks) rather than gaining something (wisdom?) through age? Why is the language of age/ing mainly negative?

With such thoughts in mind and since July 2008, I've interviewed 27 men, aged between 39 and 61, living in Greater Manchester who have some contact with 'the scene.' They were asked about how they understand and deal with the changes (or not) involved in growing older as men who have sex with men. Note that although all the respondents identify as primarily or exclusively gay, three men have identified as bisexual though only one of these is currently having sex with men and women.

As well as doing interviews, I've done some observations in the Village to look at everyday dress, grooming and aspects of social lives to see what these can tell us about how midlife gay men regard their ageing selves. For instance, are we trying to defy/disguise our age by following the fashion for skinny jeans etc? Or are we 'growing old disgracefully' and not giving a damn? Do we carry on cruising or gracefully bow out of the Village in favour of social groups, sedate dinner parties or knitting circles? Can love, friendships and real connections happen between younger and older gay men? Can friends or a self-made family help you deal with ageism? Below I've sketched answers to some of these questions but these 'findings' are provisional and will be analysed in-depth over the next 12 months.

What's the story?

Is ageing as a gay or bisexual man negative? As Vicky Pollard would say, 'Yeah but no but yeah but maybe...' The good thing is (younger queens take note!) it's not all doom and gloom! The stories we tell to help us understand growing old/er seem to fall into three 'types'. Some involve 'suffering' - not in the sense of being a 'victim' but in recognition of the fact that we can all cave in to pressures of ageism often without realising it. Other stories involve 'surviving' - a halfway position where, for example, we will only go so far in trying to look younger. It means that we negotiate with the pressures placed on us by ageist thinking. But, there are also stories of 'surpassing' - rising above the pressures and usual expectations that come with growing older as a gay man. These involve challenges to ageism. To complicate things further, some stories can involve a complex mix of suffering, surviving and surpassing!

'Suffering'?

One interviewee reported having botox and this was explained as a response to the pressures of the gay scene to look as credibly younger for as long as possible:

"I do have botox from time to time so... I'm trying to keep youngish looking. ...I don't want to look young, it's just that I like not to look old... It keeps things at bay... It's not gonna turn the clock back but... delay... the look of the ageing process.... On the gay scene, people want you to look younger... If I delay it a bit... not too much, it means, that I could go in Essentials and they wouldn't scream 'old man.' I wouldn't exactly be one of them but I'd be able to merge in a bit more... Botox... keeps things so people don't notice too much."
(Sam 47)

The pressures to look younger can be pretty compelling and Sam sees them as coming mainly from younger men. This is not to criticise Sam or anyone who uses botox. Far from it! We all feel the kind of pressures that Sam talks about and this shows us the strength of ageist pressure that even people as culturally aware as Sam feel they have to concede to it. Nobody wants to be excluded, rejected or 'left on the shelf.' We all want some kind of sex life and many of us hope to meet a partner but feel that we have to look young and attractive in order to get or deserve such things. If anything, Sam's story represents a criticism of the youth-obsessed aspects of a culture/bar scene that places excessive importance on looking young/er and attractive in a competitive, sexual marketplace. But, we also need to remember that age stereotyping can work both ways. If older gay men are stereotyped as decrepit 'has beens,' younger gay men can be dismissed as selfish, shallow, scatty and irresponsible. The scene is not always a younger man's paradise; it can be a place of joy or misery regardless of age. Heaven forbid that you are young but not seen as cute!

Accepting conventional ways of thinking about age as loss and decline can also seriously affect how or whether we see ourselves as sexual beings:

"I don't actually think of myself as... er... a sexual being. I don't look for sexual encounters particularly... My life is more about sexual fantasy... I was thinking about fantasies the other day. And one thing occurred to me is that in all my fantasies I am a young man... 30s, 40s... I can even be 50 and that seems to be the cut-off point... I'm not me as I am now."
(Leo 60)

Leo's poignant story reminds us of the ageist (and squeamish) notion that sex is for the young and older people just don't or shouldn't do it. It is likely that Leo's loss of confidence in his attractiveness and ruling himself out as a sexual being and affects his opportunities for sex. Again, such is the strength of ageism that, even in his fantasy life, an intelligent, socially aware person such as Leo is subject to pressure to distance himself from his sixty-year-old old self.

Surviving?

Putting on weight (around the middle especially) was often associated with ageing. But, responses to this involved negotiating with the fatter, thickening, older body. This can be seen in the fluctuating, love-hate relationships with various 'regimes' such as going to the gym and attempts to keep weight under control:

"I go to the gym regularly... But, I don't put my heart and soul into it. It's just ticking the box. And at least it stops me from putting on more weight. But, I haven't got the... self-discipline to really concentrate on it... to firm my body up.... Or at least there's all sorts of sabotaging strategies. I might think to myself, 'Well if I go hard at it on the rowing machine today, I can have half a bottle of wine tonight.' "
(Daniel 46)

Perhaps we all want to look as good as we can but we've all been there and can relate to Daniel's humorous 'sabotaging strategies.' But there is a serious message in Daniel's story. Although some might regard the pizza and wine as a reward for hard physical work, Daniel reminds us that exercise regimes have their costs: they are often experienced as disciplinary! We might like the effects of the gym and dieting in terms of body size, shape and tone, but do we really enjoy press-ups, pumping iron and the self-denial obliged by pressures from outside ourselves? What would we choose if these pressures didn't exist or were of no real importance?

There are other stories (expressed in bodily and spoken forms) of surviving ageism that involve negotiating with age through dress and grooming styles/choices. In Benny's simple, everyday story of choosing what kind of clothes to buy there are some pretty moral messages about the fashion industry, being an authentic midlife gay/bi man and how lack of income (social class) places limits on some men's choices:

"Okay, I am at the time of life that when I think about clothes I'm going to look good in, what suits me, rather than the latest fashion with skinny jeans halfway down your arse that we're now being told to buy... But, I do buy them to look nice... to look a bit more modern but I wouldn't wear things that would look too young on me... I suppose the middle classes can get away with looking younger or trendier because they have more money to look stylish."
(Benny 50)

Benny's story stands out for several reasons. First, it suggests a preference for 'comfort' over slavish following of fashion. There is a hint here that he has used his life experience to avoid being conned by the fashion industry. Second, although he likes to look smart, desirable he only goes so far and resists pressures to dress/look suspiciously young/er. Dressing 'too young' can 'out' you as vain, self-obsessed and inauthentic. This is perhaps partly what we mean when we say, 'mutton dressed as lamb.' Trying too hard to look young/er can be seen as a personal failing because it indicates that you can't accept your own inevitable ageing. But, Benny's story is interesting also because it links looking younger and fashionable and 'getting away with it' with having certain resources. Okay, 'looking good' doesn't always call for loads of dosh but a certain amount of capital is required on the scene. Benny is aware that those on low incomes have fewer choices (often relying on friends' 'cast-offs') and reminds us that the pink pound doesn't work for everybody.

Surpassing?

Can we go beyond and even challenge conventional, ageist ways of thinking about midlife/older gay men? Some stories suggest that older men can still be sexy, desirable and well-connected, social creatures. There were various stories of triumph over the odds often turning a negative into a positive. One such story involved overcoming so-called 'impotence.' Government statistics tell us that 40% of men over 40 experience some degree of this whether due to physical or psychological reasons. In the story below, Bill had used his experience to explore with his 'fuck buddies' forms of sex that didn't involve penetration as the end point of sex. Bill had unpicked a whole load of negative, heterosexist thinking about what 'real' (gay) sex should be and practised more mutual forms of pleasure:

"Nowadays I'm less concerned about saying, 'Oh how's it for you?' Not because I'm not interested in other people's pleasure; I am. It's just that I'm less anxious about having to please people... or myself for that matter. I'll just take sex as it comes... So, it's about discovering what is pleasing between people, what makes it a satisfying experience. I don't have a kind of model in my mind of how sex should be. I think I used to but that's something I associate with being a lot younger... I'm not a performing seal. I'm not a machine. I'm a real, flesh and blood human being with feelings. So, it's about... putting the humanity back into the sexual situation."
(Bill 55)

Bill's experience of ageing has given him the 'emotional capital' to question very limiting, hard-line macho ideas of youthful, sexual athleticism and machine-like, porn star 'efficiency.' Emotional capital has also been used to ask other equally crucial political and moral questions. Some men have unravelled guilt around sex that had come from earlier religious, parental and conventional beliefs about what we are allowed to do sexually with our bodies. Growing older has meant being freer to explore S-M, group sex and other previously repressed desires that were thought taboo when younger.

The were also some wonderful acts of defiance where older gay men confront younger men on their own 'territory' and refuse to feel like fish out of water in clubs/bars seen as younger gay men's spaces:

"... the problem with me is that I don't have the concept of age... Anyone can go to fuckin' Cruz and get ripped to the tits if they want to... Nobody should be complaining. What makes them [younger gay men] think it's their domain? Their generation? Bullshit! As far as I'm concerned, we can all go to Cruz and do it on the same dance floor at the same time."
(Tony 59)

This angry narrative reminds younger queens that we older queens still consider ourselves an acceptable presence on the dance floor and beyond. Not only does Tony refuse to consider himself 'past it' but his words also contain a very moral plea for social inclusion on the scene where difference, diversity can thrive. His call for shared spaces, where all can be valued regardless of age etc., is the opposite of the selfish individualism that some would say characterises the bar scene. Whatever your opinion on what the scene is really like, Tony is pointing towards an alternative morality about how we regard and relate to each other.

Younger and older queens: any hope?

Interviews threw up many tales of mutual rejection by younger and older men whether as friends or sex partners. This is often the case but there are other stories being told on the scene through everyday, habitual behaviours, which get overshadowed by stories of rejection, exclusion etc. Observations threw up many moving stories of intimacy, friendship and being there for others that crossed the age divide.

Affection and friendship were often expressed through shared understanding of certain music tracks and lyrics. There were many striking, spontaneous 'dance routines' that combined mutual affection with a campery that takes the piss out of macho masculinity. This suggests that there are certain spaces within the Village where ageism is given time-off (if only for a short while). Perhaps when 'disco dancing' we realise, if only at the back of our minds, that we have more in common. Whether younger or older, dancing has been important to gay men because it has allowed one of the few chances to have some genuine control over our bodies and to indulge in the creative expression still denied to many of us in ordinary life. Even if you think this a flight of fancy, the kind of bodily stories observed, which suggest care for one another, are massively important. They seriously contest the dominant stereotype of the gay scene as uniformly cold, superficial, shallow etc and full of calculating, hedonistic queens hell-bent on fast sex and the next 'conquest.'

Queer peers?

It might come as a shock to some younger men but it looks like many of us older guys are not 'chicken hawks.' Most interviewees preferred men of a similar age group - socially and sexually. You can talk about Alma Cogan or the Human League without blank looks! Age fades into the background when with birds of a feather. But, this could also reflect a shared history that involved surviving the 60s, 70s, 80s etc and being the first generation to challenge homophobia through visibility.

Despite the positives, some men felt that the kind of relationships available to them and what they could talk about on the scene were restricted. Talking about politics or certain cultural interests can be frowned upon or dismissed as too heavy in a place where we are obliged to have a good time. Whether we consider ourselves intellectuals or not, we often feel we have to deny or leave important and sometimes more thoughtful parts of our personality behind when entering the Village.

Although similar age friendships often provided a refuge against ageism, such relationships can have destructive elements. One man spoke angrily about the unkind and ageist scrutiny that can come from similar age friends/acquaintances:

"It's like two friends of mine in X [pub], they're just always commenting... I know it's part fun but it's things like, 'Have you got make-up on?' Or because of me [long, curly] eyelashes, they'll say, 'Have you got mascara on?' It's like being over-analysed. It's as if they're trying to catch you out all the time, like 'Oh, have you had something done, some treatment?' Just, 'Stop ra-ping me!' People are too bloody obsessed with how I look... people who are always [saying], 'Oh you've put on weight. Oh, you're looking this, you look that... You've had this done, you've had that done.' "
(Sam 47)

Sam's experience suggests that, rather than offering support, the bitchier aspects of similar age relationships can undermine our efforts to keep up a positive identity as ageing gay men.

Lessons?

Ageing as a gay man is not easy. It presents threats, barriers and challenges. There are different, often mixed responses that involve giving into ageism, negotiating with it and overcoming/challenging it. But, there are many positives to ageing. One of these is the gains we often make in 'emotional capital.' We build up some tremendous emotional resources and challenge heterosexism when we come out as gay, bisexual, TV, trans etc. We can now adapt those resources to trouble ageism. But, we need to work together to address ageism in wider society and especially within LGBT cultures. We have to address ageism within our own generation and the 'reverse ageism' that stereotypes and dismisses younger gay men. How else to build bridges?

Many of the hopes expressed above could be made a reality. Many of the stories told (whether spoken or through bodily interaction) yearn for a more inclusive society and gay culture. Some of the words and actions reported indicate that more inclusive spaces are beginning to happen. They point towards better, less divided ways of regarding and relating to each other.

Acknowledgement: I am grateful to Professor Ken Plummer, Essex University. I have adapted his idea of modern narratives as being about 'suffering, surviving and surpassing.' This is taken from: Plummer K (1995) Telling Sexual Stories: Power Intimacy and Social Worlds, London: Routledge.

Note: In 2010, John Casson (psychotherapist and community builder) and I are hoping to trial in Manchester an experiential event where gay men can get together to process the issues, threats and opportunities involved in ageing. We hope that this might be the start of an event that could be rolled out nationwide. Watch this space!